I'd like to do one of the most unusual stories in storydom.
It's about a hero in evil.
A hero in evil called
"The Bad-Rapping of the Marquis de Sade."
The Marquis de Sade, as you know, was a very royal French nobleman, from a very wealthy family, that dug the chicks. He liked to ball from the early bright right around the clock and then make it some more.
When he said, "Marie, come here," and she didn't -
He didn't like no waitin' you understand what I mean?
He was a very interesting cat.
As a matter of fact there was one time when he was wanted everywhere but he, brrrrt, snuck in anyway.
A real wild stud.
He was sixty-four years old when he swooped off this satellite and he spent twenty-three years in the slammer, and if that ain't bad-rappin' you hip me!
And he went to all odds and ends to prove his philosophy.
He said if you're cuttin' down a real crazy, wild, country road, on a cool, pretty day, and the breeze is comin' on and ricocheting the sweet perfume of the wild flowers of life, and you feel a halleluyah call in your soul, and you swing around the corner, and there in front of the tree stands a pretty little chick with a lattice petty-coat, and you never dug her before in your LIFE, and you walk right up to her and you say,
"Baby, it's you and me, behind the tree!"
And she say "No,"
SHE'S GOIN' AGAINST NATURE!
And any cat know you can't do that!
Now you take one look at my television face and you got to know I didn't get all these miles on my puss in one lifetime. You got to get hip to the fact that I'm a reincarnated cat!
And I knew The Mark real cool!
Mark was one of them cats like to enjoy, you understand. He rent a small band and get five or six chicks and a few gallons of juice and swing up a storm and the neighbors was gettin' green- eyed and blow the whistle on the poor cat and
BAD RAP 'IM EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!
Now you take the case of Ella Louise Louise Louise.
This is case numer 4229, Book Five, Chapter Eleven. She's that little chambermaid chick. It's in history.
Now he knew this chick was sufferin' from the gold shorts up front, so he pressed a fin in her palm, said, "Baby, let's split up to my pad, we'll suck up a little juice, and hear a little wax, and go a little crazy!"
She said, "Coo, coo!"
So she took his wing and, brrrt, they split toward the pad.
And got half way there and just HAPPENED to pass The Birch and Rod Store.
So The Mark said, "Scuze me a minute, Suger."
He swung in and picked up on twelve miniature-styled, three- colored, silk-tassled, circus day, children's pony, buggy whips.
Put 'em under his wing, brrrrt, and made the pad and
THEY BAD-RAPPED THE POOR CAT EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!
Now why did he pick up on those twelve long, mean, thin ones!?!
He knew this chick was a sqare.
He knew she was an octagon head.
He knew she was not with the scene.
And he knew it was the WRONG thing to do to put such a square chick up against such a tight stud as he was on the bed of high sensuous consequence without alerting the chick a little bit and
THEY DONE BAD-RAPPED HIM EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!
I should like to give you, in hip, an example of the Marquis de Sade's sense of humor. This is one of the stories of his humorous shots.
And there are a lot of times when you hear something wild, something crazy, something insane, and, you see, the humorous thing will reach such a high altitude that you say to yourself, "Now that's, that's no longer funny."
But if it is humor and you proceed further and instead of ending you ne-gate under the license of humor, you find out there's a whole new strata up there.
'Cause humor goes in a complete circle like the world.
Humor is the isle of the soul.
Here it is.
There were two chicks and two studs sittin' in the petty-coats of Paris in a little gin joint, suckin' up a little juice and cuttin' up the Marquis de Sade's last gang bang.
One cat said to the other, "Man that Mark is bad! He's a wild cat!"
He said, "Are you hippin' me? I'm hippin' you!"
He say, "What did you like in that last party?"
He say, "I dug the scene," he say, "Man, when them twelve naked chicks jumped out of that giant fish bowl and split up that cherry tree with that mad puppy dog!"
"Yeah, I never saw chicks jump so fast in all my born days."
Other cat say, "Yeah, I liked that one, but the one that really knocked me out," he say, "was the one of, uh, in the big cage there with the gorilla, with the go-rilla and the fine-tailed blonde. And that little old fine-tailed blonde, she dancin' a ring-a-ding-ding and a dong-dong-dong.
And the go-rilla, he's sittin' over there and ain't makin' a move. Ain't movin' a hair, see.
And the little fine-tailed blonde she ding-ding-ding and ignorin' the gorilla.
But the go-rilla know the blonde know the go-rilla in there!
And they cuttin' up and so on and so forth....
All of a sudden,
The door swung open and in stomped a stud about nine foot two, built like a mortal anvil, great big cat with a face like a diamond hatchet, with rings on all fingers and money pouring out of his pockets.
Looked like a cat with a steel rectum!
Come swingin' into the scene, and he shook these studs up so hard, that he hit their subconscious button so strong that they found themselves standing on their feet with a deep low bow, and this cat joined them and they never dug him before in their born days!
Turned out to be Prince Minski!
Prince Minski was a cat that been with it, he gave it away, he took it back, he put it down, he picked it up, he jumped it, he tumped it, he ripped it, he wrapped it, he tapped it, he papped it, he rigged it, he gigged it, he danged it, he donged it, he
blanged it, he jumped around, he split it,
he made every mother scene there was to make!
And this cat is not spending his money!
He's comin' on like Vesuvius reachin' for Pompei!
He's BLOWIN' his gold!
And the number six busboy, been waitin' on the number two waiter, is pickin' up eleven-hundred-damn-two-ninety-six dollars a minute in short change, so you KNOW the joint is jumpin'!
And this big steel-tailed Minski, he's sittin' there suckin' up all this juice and blowin' all this gold around and finally he turned to these two pretty little chicks and these two wild studs and say, "You know I dig you two chicks and you two cats. You look like you with it all the way."
They say, "We dig you, too, sir, 'cause you know how to live. You know how to lay your gold out, man, live it up, that's what we say."
"Yeah, that's right."
Say, "I got a big party pad over the hill here. Everything to have a good time with."
He say, "How'd you like to join me out?"
They say, "How long can we stay?"
He say, "Long as you like!"
So they paid the tab and they split out of the joint and these two studs and two chicks, they're expecting this wild stud to call a golden chariot and the twelve horses and out-riders and all that jazz.
Instead of that he turns out to be a Mohican head and takes right off through the mother primeval and does about ninteen tail- breakin' miles over hill and dale and if you turned 'em loose an hour after they started they'd never found their way back. So they're forced to go with the cat.
And finally come to a black lake with a blue boat on it.
And Minski say, "Get in!"
Now these cats is all shook up. Their pants is ripped. They're sick. They're tired. They're hungry.
They are SO HUNGRY!
They'd eat a caterpillar sandwich like you or I do ham 'n eggs.
They are starvin' to death, but they with this mad mother, and they don't want to, you know, make no trouble with him.
So they with him. And these two studs get in the front of the boat, and Minski take the tiller.
The boat shoots out into the middle of the lake.
And the two cats sayin', "Man, I'm so hungry!"
"You hungry? Man, I'm about ready to die!"
"You body ache?"
"My body aches so bad," say, "I don't know."
Say, "What? The cat's cool. He ain't made no bad move yet."
"No, he ain't make no bad move."
Say, "Da cat's alright."
Say, "What's that out on the water?"
Say, "It looks like a cloud tied to the water."
The other cat says, "Man, can't you see?"
He say, "Whadda ya mean?"
He say, "That's a WALL!"
And it WAS a wall!
It was a wall to stop all walls! It was a wall about eleven- hundred-damn-ninety-two foot high. A cloud-pushin' mother and God knows how thick. With a small uranium door in it, you know what I mean.
And the boat slide up to it and Minski take his big old long stalk leg and he kick the big button and the door swung open, and WHOOOOSH, they go through and KABANG that mother slammed like doomsday's break!
And they finally come to another big deep underground.
That one slam and they come to a drawbridge.BRRRRT, up and down. They cross up back.
Now they come to a wall so tall it take seventeen French acrobats to see the top of thismother with a small rang-a-dang door in it.
And they open that door and, Boom, they slipped through and Boom that mother slammed and the minute it did he turned to them and he said:
"I'm the baddest cat in this world!
There ain't nothin' I ain't done."
He said, "I'm a cross-loader, and a hanger'upper, and a slip- slider, and a double-dealer"
And he say, "I made every bad move there is to make."
He said, "I've done in my brother.
I've done in my sister.
I've done in my DONE-INS!"
"I been all over this here world studying scientifically how to be a bad cat."
"I'm the King of Bad Cats!"
"But," he say, "You my buddy cats. Sit down."
Boom. They did.
And the minute they sit down they did a real wild take. 'Cause they found out that the chairs they was sittin' in was composed of skeleton bones!
So they did a four-way take on him.
Say, "I did in them cats last week."
Then he say, "I suppose you cats is hungry."
They say, "If you ready, we ready, but if you ain't ready we ain't ready, but if you's ready, we's ready, but if you ain't ready we ain't READY!"
He said, "Well, I got a big feast prepared for you cats."
He said, "I know you hungry."
They say, "We is hungry, sir, there ain't no lyin' about that."
He said, "Well, I know you is gourmet heads."
They say, "We do enjoy good food."
"Well," he say, "We might as well go in and dine. Come with me."
So he open a big old door and there's a room about forty feet wide and eighty-five feet long in the middle of which stood a banquet table that was loaded with Goody City!
It had a hundred and twenty-two Japanese wing-ding dinners and a hundred and twenty-seven Christmas dinners, and twenty-two Thanksgiving dinners, and Chinese lung-gow, and all them goodies just steamin' and these cats took a bang of that and almost passed right out on the silver, and they were flippin'!
And about twenty-seven chicks naked as jays swingin' uranium trays and deranium trays and who-ranium trays and puttin' more goodies on this table.
So Minski, this big steel-tailed stud, he walked down to the end of the table. And he's standin' there. They're standing over at the right hand side of the table about four feet away from it. And about six feet away from the wall in back of them was five chairs and he say, "Chairs! Come here!"
And the chairs went, mmmmmmmmmmm.
So he says, "Siddown!"
Boom! And they did.
And when they sat down they really did the take to end all takes, for they found out that the chairs they was sittin' on was composed of
CHICKS! carefully woven together!
About this time Minski say, "Table! Come here!"
And the whole table go MMMMMMMMMMMMM. And they look at the table and they find out the same gig is goin' there but by this time they are so hungry they are so starved to get something in their belly, make the brain work, that's all, get some fuel going there, make the wheels turn, don't worry about a thing. You got all this food. We're gonna eat. We'll talk it over later!
So Minski sit down here and by this time he knocked out about nine bottles of juice.
He said, "Well, whatcha think of these goodies?"
And they say, "Crazy! It is so insane crazy! I never smelled anything so aromatic in all my born days!"
Say, "Insane, crazy!"
And he say, "Well, I know you are gourmet heads so I got somethin' prepared for you that is wild."
They say, "We know it, sir."
And he said, "Furthermore, let me hip you to this...."
"What's that, sir?"
He say, "You see all these goodies on this table?"
They say, "Yeah."
He say, "You see all these culinary effects, with smells and all these wild colors?"
And they say, "Yes, sir."
He said, "Well, I'm gonna hip you further that when you take your first bite you ain't gonna dig it, but surely enough, if you take that second bite, zap, you're hooked!"
They said, "We know it, sir."
He said, "Each and every piece of great crazy food that you see on this table is composed of one thing and one thing only:
THE HUMAN FLESH!"
"Well, I suppose it can't be no different than stuffed chicken!"
He say, "Pass me that rump of small boy over there!"
From The Bad Rapping of the Marquis de Sade, World Pacific Records
Recorded live in concert, Oakland, CA, 1959.
Transcribed by EARL RIVERS
[Text Only Version]
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