Nero

Richard "Lord" Buckley, 1906-1960

"Man," say "here we is. Here we sure is in Rome. After all this here time. Winnin' all that money in the horsin' race. And here we. This sure is some wild lookin' scenerey."

"Sure is. And look at that place over there."

"What's that?"

"That place over there. Look like some big time contractin' cat. Some big cat. He gonna build himself a place in marble you see, got halfway through and the poor cat ran out of loot and marble at the same time."

"Man, what's the matter wid you? Don't you dig what that is? That's Nero's pad, Jack."

"Nero's Pad? Who's he?"

"Man, you don't know who Nero is. Let me Hip You! Nero was one of the wildest, gonest, freakiest studs who ever stomped through the pages of history. He's the kind of a cat that balled every big swingin' main day breeze, all the time every day. And the chicks were jumpin' and the juice was flyin' and the band was blowin' and Nero havin' himself a fine time, continual! This cat balled Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. In fact he balled so crazy and so far out that occasionally he get his kick warehouse so full of kicks he can't tick no more kicks in, and when there ain't no place to put 'em the po' cat get hung. But he ain't hung for long, cause he whip out his scratch pad, which the cat always carried with him and he write on the, "O-bob-a-do, O-bop-a-day, you wid me, and I'm wid you," and he showed it to the Head Pretorian Stud, and the Head Pretorian Stud take one look and his eyes light up and he say: "Man, dig what this genius done put down! This cat is pushin' Shakespeare!"

ZOOM up go Nero, he feel very mellow indeed. If the foist one don't get it he knock off three or four more till he's rockin' the top flip of his ego flight. Nero, he was a wailin' stompin' cat all the time.

Nero was goofin' off in his Pad Palace one day and one of his buddy cats fell in on him.

"What-cha say, Nee?"

Nero say, "Cool."

"What wid you, Nee?"

"Everythin' is fine, I'm gettin' my kicks you how Nero is always goin' out there!"

"That's right!" he say, "Hey Nero."

"What is it Baby?"

"'Bout them Christian cats?"

"Man," Nero say, "Don't bug wid them Christians will you please now, I'm a happy party cat, I don't want to hear about no Christians Jack, I done told you twenty-two times, don't bug with the Christian cats, let them goof off anyway they want to, Daddy. I don't want to me with 'em, they ain't as far out as I is, is they?"

"No!"

"Well, that's what I say, now stay cool with them Christians, don't bug with no Christian Cats! Please!"

"But Nee, don't know what them Christian Cats is puttin' down 'bout you!"

Nero's wig went straight up in the air and he whirled around he say, "What them Christian cats puttin' down about me?"

"Them Christian Cats sayin' that you nowhere and you ain't gonna be nowhere and if you was to be somewhere you'd be nowhere anyway, cause you ain't nowhere IN FRONT!"

Nero say, "SNATCH THEM CHRISTIAN CATS!"

"WHAM!!! Out Go The Christian Snatchers!!! And they chasin' the Christian over hill and dale, chasin' them down this land and down that one, with the nets and the sacks, up and over and out, back and between.

"Get the big one Fred, over there."

The Christians are goin', and jumpin' all over the place cause Nero has a Stage Manager who done hipped him that if he snatches enough of these Christian Cats that they're gonna lay down the biggest ball game in the history of the Roman Theater of the Flip.

Nero say, "That's killin' me Jack, cause you know I blow wid a great big show!"

So finally they snap up all the Christian Cats and they take 'em down to this big Palladium Operatin Football Game Field and stash them down long towards the end of the Palladium where they can get to the Cats easy for the games and the show, get to 'em quick cue wise, dig what I mean!

And here come the Openin' Night! And the joint is jumpin'! Jammed with the Wigged out Cats and Kitties, Noble Heads all ready for the ball and here comes Nero! He's got three chicks hangin' on each arm, tellin' him what a great Stud he is!! The band is playin' the jazz and his eye balls is revolvin' his wig is standin' straight up in the air, his eyebrows is flippin', got his jewels all hung on him, and he come up to he Royal Swingin' Throne Chair. Nero sat down.

WHAM!!! The Fanfare Jump Off!! OHH-a-BOO-BOP-A-DEE-Boo A-BEE-BOP-A-DEE-BOO!! When BOOM! A big door opened into the field and come a chick 'bout six foot three with twelve feet of blonde wig streamin' behind her!! She is doin' 'bout 180 miles an hour right across the A-rena!!

Nero put down his juice and say: "Man, look at that Chick flip! She rockin' up a storm out there! She goin' like mad!!

She get about half way across and PAAMMM!! Another door open and ZOOM!!! Out come a big lin 'bout four times the size of a blowed up bull and this cat is spinnin' his wheels, knockin dust forty feet in the air and this chick look back and see him a-comin' and see him snappin' the air tryin' to snap up that chick and BOOM! She put her foot down on the accelerator and WHAM!!, she fly up the wall and she's goin' so fast she just missed the top by six inches.

Nero say, "Knock a golden spike where that chick blew!! Man that chick is puttin' down some action!! Now Boys, before you is chasin' these chicks all over the field. Let me look at some of these here chicks, see what's goin' on. She was doin' some travelin' that's more than some of you court chicks have been doin' lately!"

Nero buggin' 'em a little bit you. He's the king!! Anyway! But Nero is diggin' the scene, they is tossin' the Christians to the Lions and the Lions is tossin' 'em back and they is makin' Sassafras soul and Nero is sayin': "Heh, heh, heh . . . look at them four horses down there tryin' to snatch that big fat cat apart. Go boy, go go go. Oh, he can't make it! Gonna give that cat a pass if he holds another five minutes, he's all right!"

They got the Christians on the rack this way and that way Nero is havin' a ball, he's, he's diggin' this made game, he's juicin' up a storm, chompin' on his crazy pills till long 'bout the fifth day he call in his Stage Manager and he say: "Man, what is you doin' wid me?"

The poor cat shakin' like an aspen tree in heat say, "What's the matter Nee?"

He say, "What's the matter? You given me the same damned show every night, I don't want to hear no talk Jack! Make a change and make it quick! SPLIT!"

ZOOT!! The cat cut! And after Nero was gone out came five thousand slaves into the Palladium Football Field, they got five thousand crosses, they dug five thousand holes, and put five thousand crosses in the holes and they lay five thousand faggots at the bottom of the crosses and there are five thousand slaves standin' there with great big burnin' torches in their hands ready to knock the fire on the faggots and light up the crosses and the crosses is five thousand Christians from two to toothless pinned to the crosses.

SO THAT NIGHT when Nero come swingin' on in with his cavlacade of chicks and etc. he fall into his big chair seat and the fanfare jump off!

OHH-A-BOO-BOP-A-DEE-BOO, A-BEE-BOP-A-DEE-BOO!!! Five thousand slaves come down with five thousand torches and lit up the crosses Five Thousand Christians started to wail up the biggest breeze and most insane orchestration you ever dug in all your born days. Nero throw his juice in the air and stood straight up and say: "Look at them there chicks wail out there. Isn't this wild, isn't this crazy, ain't this gone, this sure is! I told you that cat was all right, all he needed was a little boostin'. He's a good man, he knows what he's doin'! Look what he's got jumpin' off here!"

Nero's eyes a gleamin' like a trap hung panther, he's havin' a ball of all balls, happy as a ring-a-ding bird in a he's so hooked for what's he sees jumpin' out there, as a matter of fact he's diggin' it so hard he's got big bulgin' eyes to get in his golden chariot and drive down in the lanes between the crosses cause the Cat is way out there anyway and he's reachin' way out there anyway and he's reachin' way out there further for his super-vicarious. He wants to dig the lick on the top of the Kick Stick but the Head Praetorian Cat say: "I don't want to tell you your business Jack, You Nero!"

Nero say, "Blow Jack, what's on your mind?"

The Head Praetorian Cat say, "Well, if I was you Nero I wouldn't ride down twixt them crosses cause the populance is down there and you just burned the town down last Wednesday, Daddy-O, and them poo' cats ain't had a place to lay their wigs and they been sleepin' in crevices and shoe boxes and shelves and holes in the walls ever since they is very salty with you Nero!"

Nero turned King-sized Bug Bird eyes on this poor cat and he screech: "GET THE CHARIOT!!"

So here come Nero, got the Golden reins in his hands and the golden symbol upon his head and the three chicks on his arms tellin' him what a great cat he is and he's ridin' down between the crosses diggin' this wild, crazy fallout scene, he;s right in his main day Kick City, you can hear the horses swingin' and the jingles off the bells and all the madness is goin' on Nero is freakin' up in his mind and he's carryin' on like mad, he's just bubblin' all over with the mad mad movement. And in the three chair cars that are followin' on behind him, and his Buddy Cats, you see what I mean! In the third, there was a cat that wasn't ridin', he was walkin', his name was O-bob-a-Lap. He was a very bad bad cat indeed! This po' cat is so nervous he can't ride, he's stompin' every step of the way. He was the kind of a cat that went to a little juice session with one of his friends.

"Come on over daddy-O, we drink up a little juice and everything be cool!"

And he say, "That's fine!"

So this OO-Bop-A-Lap went over to this cat's pad and all was enjoyin' and in the middle of the party they done ran out of juice and the cat done swung around the corner to pick up on another fifth, and while he was gone, OO-Bop-A-Lap in the corner, done burned his pad down and sold his family into slavery just one of those little ole Sunday afternoon criss-crosses. See what I mean!

A little bit later this here big cat that got criss-crossed with two bigger cats than he was, they found little OO-Bop-A-Lap in the corner, where he couldn't get away, and the big cat wanted to lower the boom on him. The big cat that got crossed say: "Let the cat go, he's a square, he don't know what he's doin' anyway, let him go, tell the cat to blow, that's all, get him out of sight!" So OO-Bop-Lap is a very bad cat let me explain to you, and he can't be right, he's stompin' every step of the way, All Shook Up!

He's tryin' to look some place where he can clarify hissoul and see one spark of light jumpin' off but he can't look no place cause there is no place like that to look cause everytime he looks and sees somethin' bad and he's feelin' very bad indeed. OOH, he's got a strain on him and all of a sudden he feels, somethin' is pullin' and pullin' on his neck, around and finally, WHOW, whipped it 'round, BOOM, and he pulled up and he looked up there and there on the cross he sees this great big cat that he done crossed, so many times before and OO-BOP-A-Lap can't move his head, he tried to get away, he try to turn this way, he try to turn that way, he can't turn no way 'cause this big cat's eyes is borrin' right down into him and finally OO-Bop-A-Lap can't stand it no more and he look up at the Big Car and he fall down on his knees and say: "In Christ's Name Fogive Me!"

And the Big Cat, just as his beard was catchin' on fire say: "Everything is cool Baby, don't worry about, Baby, we'll straighten it up a little later, down the line."

Now, when he laid that line for the third time on OO-Bop-A-Lap and done forgave him, that was too strong for OO-BA, First thing he did was jump twenty-two feet in the air, he come swangin' down doin' a Mexican Tail-spin and the Japanese a bap-a-dap and turned twisted and doin' cartwheels and all kinds of crazy things and finally his twp feet hit solid on the Earth and when he did, he pointed at Nero and say: "THERE'S THE BURNER OF ROME!"

And Nero turned around and say: "WHO'S THAT BIG MOUTH BACK THERE, GET THAT CAT, CHECK ON THAT BOY, Call the guards, screen the scene, four hundred and forty times more, let No Cat flip while Nero gettin' his kicks!"

Yeah Nero was an All High Flip Out in Orbit Mother to End All Mothers! Let's Cool it and Dig some spaghetti, Solid!!


Transcribed by EARL RIVERS From Lord Buckley in Concert, Demon Verbal Records

[Text Only Version]

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