My Own Railroad

Richard "Lord" Buckley, 1906-1960

The Truth, the truth is strange to the ears even wild truth,

wild truth, things that happen .. they supercede and carry on beyond the parallel of your practiced credulity.

And you say, I'm lyin', that may be the truth.

For instance one time in Chicago I had isolated myself to the point that I lost my love and my contact with the people I loved, to the people and I couldn't get to them, they didn't know that... Hello ... I loved them, but I suddenly backed away I (?) all those love strands and I tightened up....I had money in my pocket and I had a real long set of wheels I had to go somewhere, I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to see anyone I knew, anyone I ever knew, I didn't want to meet anyone new.  I just wanted to be alone.  Whewww

And I was drinking of the good juice.  Suddenly I decided that I'd go to the Club Deliza.  I didn't want to go to the Club Deliza.  But I had to go somewhere.  So I'm going up State Street, in this elongated car, and there's a sweet dew wild crazy illiterate smooth cruddy smaze on the street.  And I'm going up State Street and I'm still locked in, I'm locked in tight, I'm just goofin' along pretty good and I, suddenly I feel this shift of the bumper, I think, and now I have an objective.  Said, "Those jerky, lousy, miserable, rotten politicians!   All those thieving monsters, those greed-heads!   Lood what they've done to this beautiful city!   Look at these streets!   Why those rotten, foul-headed freaks!   Death to them!"

Just then I hit a little raise in the pavement and I... rrmmmmp... boom...right over... and right in the middle of those flat State Street car tracks with my big fat bulgin' tires and all of a sudden..WHACK!..I had my own railroad.

Going, going down my railroad, and it's a beautiful railroad.  I haven't stolen it from anyone.  Nobody knows I've got it, but me.  I'm, uh, I'm feeling beautiful again, I've got my own railroad, and I'm the president of the line.  And I'm making the first run with the diesel.  And I checked every repameter and every hoopaleter hobknobanada and all that jazz and everything is cool and I just get myself set back.  The President of the Line, makin' the initial run and all the tracks cleared, Ha.. Beautiful!   That diesel I wanted to goof.  I was still in town so I'm doin' fifty-five, easy fifty-five, as a ridin' those tracks, Ha, just beautiful, I got my own railroad.  It's marvelous.  Check..made all the checks... telephone and all that and I've got everything squared away, just sat back for my run...when I LOOKED...out in front of me...and on my tracks...me, the President of the railroad...making the initial celebrated run...with this new equipment...is some drunken trackwalker with a lantern going like this to me.

I thought to myself, "If this beggar only knew that The President is in the cab there'd be no nonsense like that.  Never changed my speed, right in there at fifty-five.   I'm the President.  I've had this whole thing checked, you see, and re-checked. And had the checkers check check the checkers check...Check? Check.

So I got it right in there, fifty-five.  And so like any good cautious engineer I stuck my head around the beam , take a good clear shot in I saw that I was right it looked like someone cleaned out a giant bird cage, nothing more, just a few knick knacks here and there, and I said so myself, "See, if I'd listened to that little monster drinking that wine and got off my own track I'd been back there bumpin' bumpin' all over the place.  Thank god that didn't happen!   I'd a lost my railroad and everything else.  So I go a little further, still doing fifty-five and I see that the street car company , without sending me a notice of any kind a short note or a wire or a radio telegram or some sort of a gram have scooped out underneath the track, looks like the Grand Canyon, for about eight miles.  I'm still doing fifty-five.  And there's only one thing to do there - call the attention of the Board of Directors.

"Right"

Of course!  

"Yes!"

Yes!  

"Yes!"

Right away!  

"Yes!"

Give us an answer!

"We will."

Give us a good one!

"Alright."

Give us one!  I want one right now!

"Yes, yes.  Well cross everything you've got and keep it crossed and don't breath any more than you have been breathing and don't breath in long breaths, breath in short breaths, and keep everything cool and feel the tips of the rippled zipped and we'll be right there don't change a hair of the rrmmpt and ..."

Well, I made it.

It was about a hundred and ten miles or sixty eight feet and I looked through the rear-view mirror and I saw the lantern go rrrnnt, out of the cat's hand, boom, reflex.

And I went down to the corner and my whole posterior came over my head like an electronic elephant sail it went ring a ding a ding a ding a ding a ding a ding a ding.


From Lord Buckley in Concert, Demon Verbal Records

Transcribed by EARL RIVERS

[Text Only Version]

[RETURN] to Table of Contents